When the Oceans Rise and Thunders Roar

I have very mixed feelings as I'm about to leave for Australia tomorrow to do my project, and as our course director has emailed saying that our results are coming out tomorrow. It's one thing when the exam hasn't started yet and your results are still in your control; you can still study, you can still do something about it. It's another thing when you have to sit and wait, grappling with anxiety, when all around you things are changing, your life is about to take a turn and you don't know what lies around the corner.

Last Sunday I chose to sing "Still" for the evening service. I felt that everyone around me was going through turmoil in their lives, and that they needed God's stillness in their lives in the midst of a storm. I could look around me and see people singing their hearts out and their hearts being touched by His message, but what about myself?

I also chose "Because He lives" -

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
And Because I know He holds the future
Life is worth the living
Just because He lives.

I don't know what lies ahead of me tomorrow. The uncertainty and the strain can bring tears to my eyes and a flutter to my heartbeat. But I know He understands...

I trust Him for the big things. I trust Him to do His will in my life. But it's the small things I find it difficult to trust Him with. Yet I know that He works all things out for good and He has done so in my life so far. So I just need to leave it to Him.

I received a lovely Sara Groves CD earlier in the week and this song sums up everything perfectly:

I don't have to cry anymore
I don't have to worry about what's in store
I've walked that road exhausted and poor
I don't have to cry anymore
And I don't have to know it all
I don't have to be so proud and stand so tall
I climbed that mountain only to fall
I don't have to know it all

You did that for me
Oh, You did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me

And I don't have to be ashamed
Hang my head or shoulder the blame
Wondering if my life's been in vain
I don't have to be ashamed

Oh, you did that for me
Oh, you did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me

Man of sorrows
Well acquainted with grief
Drug down to the city dump
Spread eagle on a cross beam
Propped up like a scarecrow
Nailed like a thief
There for all the world to see

You wore the chains so I could be free
You did that for me
Oh Lord, You did that for me
Oh Lord, You did that for me
You wore the chains so I could be free

Thirst

Silwood is a beautiful place. Sometimes I sit at my window, which overlooks the fields and the trees, and just gaze out of the window and type. There's a Western Red Cedar just outside my window and on its left is a slender white birch with its silver trunk. Sometimes the rabbits stop just outside and nibble on the grass.

With so much beauty I feel as though my soul is being fed. It was when we were sitting in a bus going around the Lake District that I felt as though my soul was going to burst, it was so full with all the beauty around me. That was when I thought my soul must be made of beauty too, because it was with beauty that it was fed.

There are many beautiful things in the world. There's love, there's friendship, there are relationships. There are good deeds. Seeing the old people in the nursing home every week is beautiful, singing in church every Sunday night is beautiful. Music is beautiful. Playing the keyboard is beautiful when your fingers run on and can't seem to help themselves playing.

But these beautiful things are like salt water if you only depend on them. You keep drinking more and more of them but they don't satisfy you. Serving in church week after week. Confiding your all to your friends. They're all beautiful things. But pale substitutes for the real water, living water that quenches thirst.

"My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

No wonder my soul was still hungry, no wonder I still desired for something more. When the spring of living water with the deepest, purest source was freely flowing in front of me, I was digging my little broken cistern, polluted and shallow. He declared He Himself was to feed me, and in looking to satisfy my hunger I turned to look for His favour and forgot that it was all FREE.

All my life I had a longing,
For a drink from some clear spring,
That I hoped would quench the burning,
Of the thirst I felt within.

Feeding on the husks around me,
Till my strength was almost gone,
Longed my soul for something better,
Only still to hunger on.

Poor I was, and sought for riches,
Something that would satisfy,
But the dust I gathered round me,
Only mocked my souls sad cry.

Well of water, ever springing,
Bread of life so rich and free,
Untold wealth that never faileth,
My redeemer is to me.

I have found Him my soul so long has craved!
Jesus satisfies my longings,
Thro His blood I now am saved.

He satisfies my cravings in a way no other can. He's told me everything I've ever done; can He be the Christ? Like the woman at the well let me leave my jug behind with Him for I won't need it anymore. I have a better source of water and I will never thirst again.

You, You, You

You were so unconventional and suprising. I just thank You. What a direct person You were. You could wear a man out with a look. How simple and yet how profound were the things you said. I think about the parable of the good Samaritan. You talked about a "despised Samaritan" who was a neighbour to the man in a way that the temple priest and the Levite weren't.

In many ways You defied their notions of God. And You sweep away all my preconceptions of You. When I don't deserve Your presence and I come in broken and numb because of things that I've done, I feel You near. You bring my friends to Yourself when my flame is flickering and almost gone out so all the glory goes to You and I have the joy. You understand me in a way no man can... You are patient with me, not desiring that I should perish.

Amazing grace... won't you keep me from taking it from granted?
Thank You for the cross, my friend...

The intangible to become reality in my life, the unseen and the eternal to be more visible to me than the temporary things, won't You do this? Won't You keep me from idols?

I have cried all the tears, said all the sorrys. But I don't want to go back. How can You be so patient with me? You desire so much more than my words and my tears. You desire my heart and my love. You desire so much more than what I do for You in public or say about You in public. You want worship in the secret place.

I don't want to go around in circles, but I want to draw closer to You. I know there is much more than the kind of life I am living. There is so much more for the one who seeks You. Won't You by Your grace show that to me?