Thoughts

Standing outside Bill's house today in the quiet morning waiting for someone to pick me up and bring me to church I was thinking hard about the last few weeks and things in general.

These thoughts came to mind:

It's not what I say about Him to other people that He cares about the most, but it's what I say to Him that He cares about deeply.

It's not what I do for Him that He finds most precious but who I am when I am with Him that He treasures.

I don't want to have the form but not the power. I don't want to be someone who goes to church every week, serves alot in church, is seen as a very spiritual person, but doesn't have a real relationship with Him.

I want to be real. I know that the greatest test of my faith is not how I act in church, but how I act in the world. I could close my eyes and raise my hands in church, fall down on my knees, cry, I could talk to new people, and that is worship, but true worship is how I live my life among people who don't know Him, true worship is whether I refrain from gossiping when everyone around me is badmouthing someone, true worship is whether I dare to stick by my beliefs and convictions in action when everyone around me thinks that is ridiculous or outdated.

True worship is living my life for Him among my friends who don't know Him, trying to be a genuine friend, knowing that even though sometimes I can't trust them, I want them to be able to trust me.

And how I have failed in so many ways to have that true worship in my life, how many times I have argued with people and perhaps not done the best thing to turn them to God, how many times have I contradicted what I say with what I do, how many times has it been evident to them that I still don't trust Him completely?

The only thing I can take comfort in is that God is so much more powerful than I am. I may have failed as a Christian to bring my friends closer to Christ, but I know that God is working in their hearts. I am not the one who argues them into believing what I believe, but He will always help them to realise the truth. I don't need to embellish or defend the truth, because it is so powerful.

And I can only bear fruit for You by loving You wholeheartedly, by drawing close to You. You are my best friend, but I don't dare to think that I am Yours, although I long so much to be called that.

Be the idol of my heart, cos that's where everything starts. I don't want to think about doing and saying anymore, but I just want to be real with others and with You.

Be the Idol
Will You be the idol of my heart?
Will You still be the idol of my heart?

It's not what I say about You
that You hold most dear
It's what I say to You that You treasure
It's not what I do for You
that You love me for
It's who I am when I'm with You
that You think is most important

One day will You call me Your best friend?
Because You are mine,
Won't You let me touch Your heart,
and will You be the idol of mine;
There are things I want and desire
crowding in, longings and hurts I can't quite control
Sometimes I feel the urge to attain,
to strive for goals I know aren't Yours,

So quell my selfish ambitions,
burn away the gods of wood and stone
and will You be the idol of my heart,
Will You still be the idol of my heart,
(draw me back and)
will You be the idol of my heart.

Change - Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,
Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

This song has been played on the radio alot - a Christian radio station I listen to while I dissect, and it really touches me with its truth.

I've so many friends who still don't know Him yet - friends on my course, etc. All very scientific people. We have arguments sometimes - maybe that's not so good - where we fervently defend what we feel to be true. I'd like to find out more about why I believe what I believe. I don't doubt that He is real and that He created the world, but I would like to know more, especially about the science of it, so that I can talk to my coursemates too. So if anyone can help / send me stuff, please do.

Behind all the thinking, the philosophy and the intellect though we're all similar people with similarly messed-up lives. Hence the song goes - "How bad, how good, does it need to get?" How high or how low can people go before they realise that without Him, everything is empty and there's no point to life?