Eyewitness

I haven't studied my Bible for a long time. A quick read through a Psalm in the morning, noting down of key verses, and then prayer and a mad scramble off to the library. My diary is full of haphazard Bible verses scribbled here and there as they strike me. But no solid deep down study.

And today after preparing for Bible study tomorrow, I am left sleepless as I realise the great perspective of things, and too overwhelmed to sleep. I am also left a bit trembly... How amazing the Bible is and how amazed I am when I study it.

Bible study tomorrow is 1 Peter 5:1-11, Peter writing to the elders and the young men of the suffering Christian church. The first thing he wrote was, "to the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow elder..." this wasn't very typical of Peter. Calling himself a "fellow elder" was enormous humility for Peter who could have said "as your leader" or "as an apostle"...

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow-elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed.

Humility and Peter don't seem to go together. He was the one who cut Malphus' ear off when Jesus was taken to be crucified. He was the one who said to Jesus, "You shall never wash my feet!" He was always the first to say something or to ask something - "Let us put up shelters - one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah!"

But something changed Peter to allow him to have that kind of humility that he could call himself a "fellow elder". The answer is in the second phrase he uses to describe himself - "a witness of Christ's sufferings".

To the elders among you, I appeal as a fellow-elder, a witness of Christ's sufferings and one who also will share in the glory to be revealed.

How was Peter a witness of Christ's sufferings? Where was he during Christ's suffering on the cross? He was following at a distance. He was warming himself by the fire together with the men who had taken Jesus away. He was denying his Christ, his friend, not 1 time but 3. He was weeping outside in the courtyard when Jesus looked at him. And was he at the cross? Jesus' mother, His mother's sister, Mary Magdalene and John were at the cross. Peter is not mentioned.

Being a witness of Christ's sufferings and not being able to bear the sight of his dearest friend being mocked and humiliated changed Peter and gave him the humility to be able to call himself a "fellow-elder" of the other church leaders who hadn't been with Jesus through his time on earth like Peter had.

And now, Peter says,

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care... being examples to the flock... and when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

This image of the shepherd wasn't originally from Peter. It wasn't something Peter came up with but it was something that was special to him and ingrained deeply on his heart. It was when Jesus had risen from the dead, appeared to him and the rest and convinced them he wasn't a ghost, gave him his last catch of fish before He went home, and caused him to jump into the water as soon as John said, "It is the Lord!" - Peter immediately wrapped his outer garment about him and jumped into the water, leaving the boat far behind. That was when Peter first learnt about what Jesus would have him do.

Impetuous Peter, whom the Lord loved and knew deeply.

He first heard that day, and he heard thrice that day, "Feed my sheep". Having been an eyewitness that day, it was impressed so deeply on him that he wrote the same to the elders of the suffering church.

Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care... being examples to the flock... and when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

Feed my sheep.

They're the words of someone who's "been there" - someone who's been an eyewitness. And because he was an eyewitness his life and heart were changed and he was never the same again.

To him, it was ludicrous to serve for men's approval because you will never know what men will think of you, and never will everyone approve of you. It was equally ridiculous to serve for God's approval as he knew God already loved him infinitely - He couldn't love him any more than he already did. All he knew was that he had been an eyewitness and he had to point people to the one he had seen and the one he had been with, the one he had known.

Peter wrote this during the time of Nero, when the Christians were suffering terrible persecution. Nero was a crazy mad emperor who used Christians as human torches to light his garden. My mind simply boggles at how uncertain life was back then. Eventually Peter was crucified under the rule of this same emperor. And yet he wrote of trust, and yet he wrote that

the God of all grace... after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong.

How could he say that such terrible suffering as he had seen and would himself experience was just for "a little while"? I think the answer was also because he had been an eyewitness to Christ's suffering, which exceeds human imagination or even depiction, so that many are forced to turn away and stop themselves from even thinking about it. He had been an eyewitness when Christ was taken up to heaven, so that he could see everything in the light of eternity and say that this suffering was only for "a little while" compared to the infinity of time spent with Christ in eternity.

Suffering is expected as a Christian. Sooner or later, it will come. How can we bear it? How are we going to be able to bear all sorts of persecution and sorrow? We can only bear it if we have been eyewitnesses - if we know Him as our friend, if we know His power changing our lives daily, if we don't just go through our Christian routine everyday but know Him - know Him deeply as the beautiful, humourous, imaginative, creative, merciful, humble God that He is.

I must be an eyewitness. I cannot serve Him otherwise. I can't go on otherwise even. Whatever lies ahead, I only know one thing - that I can do anything as long as You are beside me. I can go anywhere when Your presence goes with me. And I can only follow You when I see You and know You. Let me be an eyewitness. Although I am afraid, although I am overwhelmed, let me be an eyewitness.

Psalm 63 - In The Desert

I often think about David and how he came to be called a man after God's own heart. Reading his psalms gives me a glimpse of his personality and inspires me. He talks to God very simply and honestly; no hiding behind religious phrases and jargon for him.

He wrote Psalm 63 when he was in the Desert of Judah, where he had no distractions, nothing to do, no-one to talk to, no entertainment so to speak.

O God, You are my God,
[earnestly] I seek You
My soul [thirsts] for You
My body [longs] for You,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

He sought God with himself, his soul; even his body longed for God. He didn't thirst for water in the desert, but he thirsted for God. He knew that God alone could satisfy the desires of his soul and the desires of his body.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods.

I remember eating mega-big buffets as a kid and being so full after, of greasy stodgy food, that I would not be able to move and would often start hiccuping. Satisfaction. And "in a dry and weary land", He can satisfy my soul in that way.

A dry and weary land seems to describe a little the place I'm in right now. Exams are starting in 2 weeks' time. I don't want to stay in my room and work all day. In the grind and confusion of LIFE, I forgot His LOVE.

Because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify You.

David didn't look at what was around Him. He looked above Him and instead of barrenness, he saw fullness. Instead of an empty life, he saw love completing, enriching, satisfying.

Let me find You in the desert
Till this sand is holy ground,
And I am found completely surrendered
To You, my Lord and friend.

Plea...

I went for salsa class on Thursday and I had a wonderful time. I loved the music, loved the steps, the only thing I didn't like was changing partners all the time and the half-drunk jokes and innuendo. But I loved salsa class. When I hear the music come on, and the beat, I just feel as though my feet are going to fly and fly and never stop.

Salsa class made me think about how "normal" I could be. I enjoy many things everyone else enjoys, and I understand the people around me, their arguments, their logic, the way they think, I like chatting with people, laughing at jokes, being "wu liao" sometimes, I like sitting in the bar and playing Jenga... I stress over assignments like everybody else, and make highlighted scribbles all over my journal articles. Just like a "normal" person.

It's just that I'm a Christian. I lead a fairly "normal" life. But it's as though there's a whole new side to life I can see. I still enjoy salsa, I still joke, still study, still get stressed sometimes, still cry, still make mistakes... But beneath it all I know my purpose in life... I can have joy through good times and bad and I know why bad times happen... I can cling to Him through bad times... and deep within me I know that nothing can shake me cos I have my refuge in Him.

I feel sad sometimes when I see people going about their lives without knowing what they do things for, managing their own lives when they're like ants in an anthill who can't look out and see the world around them. As humans, we think we've advanced so far - we have detailed studies of philosophy and ethics, we debate endless issues but we're still the only species to voluntarily and systematically exterminate our own species on a large scale all the time. We think we know so much, but we don't know how to find joy in life and we don't know how to take care of ourselves. We care so much about animal rights but we don't care for our friends as much as we care for ourselves.

Please, please, if you're reading this and you don't know what your purpose is in life, you don't know where you're going and you don't know why you go through the same routine everyday, do stop and think about it. If there indeed is life after death, if there indeed is a God, surely these would be the most important questions you could ask in your life. And surely we are equally incapable of managing our own lives and taking care of ourselves no matter how strong and how independent and intelligent we are. There's more to this life -

than living and dying,
more than just trying to make it through the day
more to this life, more than these eyes alone can see
and there's more than this life alone can be.

today I watched in silence as people passed me by,
and I strained to see if there was something hidden in their eyes;
but they all looked at me as if to say
life just goes on...

the old familiar story told in different ways,
make the most of your own journey from the cradle to the grave;
dream your dreams tomorrow because today
life must go on...

but there’s more to this life than living and dying,
more than just trying to make it through the day;

more to this life, more than these eyes alone can see,

and there’s more than this life alone can be..

More About Grace

The grace of God is so amazing. No matter how much I think about it, I can never understand it. And no matter how much I think I know about it and understand it, I learn new things about His grace all the time. It seems as though there is no end to what He can teach me. And what He teaches me are simple things I never realised. The most profound things are always the simplest things. But I was often blind to them and I think I am still blind to alot of His truths. But He shows me more when I ask Him.

I have been thinking over many things which puzzled me about the grace of God. I'm glad that I'm covered with His righteousness because I know that I haven't any righteousness of my own. Many of my deeds are like filthy rags in His sight. I'm just glad that I'm clothed with Him so that He sees me as righteous in His eyes. He's wiped my slate clean in the past and the present.

But what about the future? It seems then as though it's no use trying to be righteous. I try and try and I know it's not good enough for Him. And then I realise that He's covered me with His righteousness and His grace covers everything I do and that's such a relief. But the future was puzzling. It didn't make sense to try to be righteous anymore. Cos I knew that I would always fall short and I would always need Him to cover me. So why should I even try to be better? It seems as though, if I judge my future by my past, that my life would be one long spiel of failures and grace, failures and grace.

The answer is so simple but it had been escaping me all along.

"Abide in Me, and I will abide in you. If you abide in Me you will bear much fruit, but without Me you can do nothing."

God never looked at the things I do and He never will. He looks at where I am. Am I abiding in Him or am I far away from Him? I can do seemingly righteous things with my heart far from Him.

He was never one to look at the sacrifices anyway. He always looked at the heart. He was never one to look at the actions; He always looked at the character.

"You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."

David, Abraham, Jacob and Moses were men that God loved. David was called a man after God's own heart. Abraham was called a friend of God. Jacob wrestled with God and won - "I will not let You go unless You bless me." Moses asked to see God's glory and cried out for the presence of God - no substitute or any other blessing would do him. These were people with huge flaws in their characters, people who made huge mistakes. But God loved them so much, because they desired the close personal contact with God above everything else. They were willing to cry, trek, sweat, run, fast; they were never embarrassed or ashamed, they were caught up in the excitement of coming into closer contact with God. They kept short account with God.

And abiding in Him means keeping short account with Him. Daily confession and repentence. Daily doing anything it takes to know Him more and to draw closer to Him. Faith without works is dead. But works are only evidence of faith. And behind everything we do He looks at our hearts. How much we desire to get down to the grit and the sweat of pursuing Him and abiding in Him, how much we can keep running to Him to show us more of Himself.

Beyond our Bible reading, our earnest endeavours to do right, He asks us the questions: Do you really love Me? Are you abiding in Me? Are you willing and humble enough to keep short account with Me?

By Your grace, let my answer everyday be "Yes, Lord." I have my up and down days. But let me keep short account. And let me abide in You.