Here I Go Again

"Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin 'bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him 
That You love him
But here I go again, here I go again."

I just came back from what would seem to be the highlight of the week - Friday night.

But to be honest, I feel really down.

Sometimes I feel like I am pretending - to make conversation, to laugh, to dance, to drink, to make stupid jokes, to enjoy myself - when actually I feel really sad when I see people dancing, laughing, because I know that though they look happy, they aren't. Sometimes I just want to shout out all that is inside me, to tell them that there's

"more to this life, there's more to this life
I'm struggling to fight the reasons we cry
There's more to this life, there's more to this life"

I danced almost ... 3 hours straight today. I think on the outside it looked like I was having such fun. But on the inside I was becoming sadder and sadder as I thought about things. I wish people could see God's light inside me. I wish people would realise that sometimes, what they find attractive isn't my personality, but it's Him changing me.

Oh, give me the courage and the tact. But most of all go before me. I feel so small, unable to be your messenger to this place. I wish people would just see and realise that God exists and that He loves them, and that He has such a plan for them - I wish ... oh I wish...

I wish I didn't have so many faults, so many cracks - vanity, competition, ambition, pride, selfishness, lack of compassion, you name it, lack of honesty sometimes, lack of courage and boldness, but oh, let Your light shine through the cracks.

Please let them see You in my life. Let You be glorified in my life - in my relationships, conversations, results. I have failed miserably time and again. But pick me up and help me to grow.